love letter

Untukmu, temanku…

Sore ini, lapangan terasa sangat sepi, setidaknya untukku. Tawa, canda, dan irama pantulan bola yang mengenai kerasnya lapangan mengisi kelelahan anak-anak atas full day school yang memang menguras pikiran. Sore ini, sepi. Setidaknya untukku. Kepada kalian, yang sengaja mengacuhkanku, menganggapku tidak ada.

Ketika senja menjemput dan temaram lampu kota menghiasi langkah kita untuk menuju parkiran, apakah ada yang berniat mengajak berbicara? Bersepi sendiri diantara tawa dan canda kalian rupanya tidak menyenangkan. Lantas apa? Aku hanya diam.

Lelahlah aku, berjuang memperbaiki hubungan. Jikalau tidak ada yang bisa belajar apa itu menghargai. Suara angkuh yang makin meninggi, tanda menguasai segalanya. Sudah begitu, aku harus apa? Forum dalam forum itu tidak sehat. Bolehlah kau asik sendiri dengan teman lainnya, aku tak melarang. Tetapi, bolehkah kau anggap aku sebagai manusia yang punya hati juga? Diacuhkan dan dibalas dengan suara yang kian hari kian meninggi itu sama sekali tidak menyenangkan. Lalu kau kata aku bawa perasaan? Sungguh, engkau yang tidak punya hati. Otak apalagi.

Sore ini semakin sepi. Setidaknya untukku dan hatiku. Walau keadaan yang makin ramai oleh tawa, yang kurasa sebagai siksa. Katakanlah aku lemah, katakanlah aku payah. Bahwa aku tidak tahan dengan keadaan yang telah kalian buat. Entah punya tujuan atau tidak, yang jelas kubenci.

Senja menjemput, kemudian aku tersenyum. Senja terakhirku di lapangan, disambut para teman yang mengangkat sebelah alis –heran. Aku tetap membisu, lalu kuraih tasku dan berjalan menuju trotoar—sendiri yang dihiasi temaram lampu kota. Tak ada yang mengajak berbicara, apalagi bercanda. Tetapi, bibir ini tetap tersenyum. Bebanku terangkat sebagian. Untukmu kawan, semoga cepatlah sadar. Hilangkan angkuh mu itu, bercanda tidak seserius itu. Dari aku, Manusia Yang Terlalu Berperasaan. 

Cuap Cuap with my poor english

Hello, long time no see even tho i know who read my words just me and myself, loll
Okay, so about a few months ago i had an exam --final exam, precisely. And i got score under my expectation, its lil bit hurt cs my parent hope that i got up to 35. but that's okay. im grateful because my parent not conservative as ever and they just accept and know its my limit.

Honestly, i feel relief because a lot of academic/non academic charter that other people got can't be used to registration in SHS. But there's new frickin suck rules, for god sake. lemme tell you one by one.

For poor student in district get 3 point, and outside district get 2 points. And they get a special slot, top position. No matter how bad their score, they still on top. For this rule, i think its not fair enough. There's a lot students who work their ass off and they will be kicked because of 'them'. Sounds like arogan, but heyy.. lemme tell the truth. Capacity of the poor student must 20%+ from capacity of school itself. So many rich *sounds weird wk* people admit that they poor to get into the 20%+ capacity which very suckkkk. And then 'they' who admit they're poor mostly get bad score. But not all of them, just mostly. And i cry because of them who did cheating with this method cs i 'almost' got kicked from my future-school *cailah.

Rule number two, they--who is childern of teacher or labor in school which want to be registered get 2 points and outside school which want to be registered get 1 point. And this rule is the most un-acceptable rule for other people, especially many parent out there. Government said, teacher must get appreciated so with this rule can change mindset of students that being a teacher is good and well appreciated. and i was like "YAILA MAKKK bused dah". In my opinion, appreciation for all of teacher in Indonesia is good enough. There's many facility that government give to them. I don't know what exactly is, but i know its a really good benefit to them. And i think that's enough for them to be appreciated. Moreover, they get a pretty huge salary. and that's enough. there's no correlasion between teacher and their childern. And this rule is the most not make sense rule i've ever heard.

Rule number three is they who live near school (school itself set the area that got plus point, ha you know what i mean) got 1 poin. And i got this point, but its not really that helpful for my scary score. And about this rule, there's so many pros and contra. They who admit they're pro said because this rule maybe the school want to decrease the late-students.And they who said they're contra said so many student outside district is smart --i need to tell that its true! but then, this rule isn't give that strong effect like the others.

So i that's all. i dont know why government is getting weird and worse *for me. but i just hope that's all can work out like they hope and can change the quality of human in here.

Okay, back to me. Alhamdulillah i get into my dream school even tho i must go through nervous-thingy and crying cs i almost got kicked like i said before. But then, i got 66 position of 72 posistion. close enough to death, layyy.
I hope i can through 3yrs in this school with strict rule and i'll be less dumb. hehe!<3

just be grateful

Terkadang, aku iri dengan orang yang berada di luar sana. Dengan foto aesthetic di berbagai tempat menarik di seluruh penjuru dunia. Kalimat sederhananya mampu membuat siapapun ingin berkunjung sejenak. Melepas kepenatan di dalam kota yang terkukung oleh tugas dan tekanan.

Aku juga iri dengan orang memakai baju dengan brand ternama. Berfoto layaknya model betulan, kaki panjang nan jenjang, serta wajahnya tampak seperti porselen yang biasa dipajang di toko pakaian. Menuliskan beberapa kalimat yang membuat dunia penasaran akan dompet tebalnya. Tidak menangiskah?

Belum lagi, aku juga iri dengan mereka yang menaiki mobil mahal bak anak konglomerat. Tahu-tahu betulan dia. Pada dasarnya, apa yang digunakannya seperti tumpukan uang dua koper! Mahal luar biasa. Dengan wajah datar tanpa dosa, menghambur-hamburkan uang demi setetes tequilla ataupun mobil mewah yang sudah satu lusin di garasinya.

Ketika mengetahui setitik realita dibalik gaya hidup borjois-nya, aku sedikit terkejut. Apa yang mereka tampilkan tidak seperti apa yang di realita. Stress akan hutang, keluarga berantakan, putus dengan pacar, atau hidupnya yang terlalu membosankan? Mereka hanya menampilkan kepada dunia, bahwa mereka bisa bahagia tanpanya! Tak peduli seberapa chaos mereka, foto-foto itu sebagai pencitraan untuk ribuan followers social medianya.

Aku menutup layar smartphone-ku. Aku bersyukur sekaligus menyesal. Bersyukur akan mengetahui bahwa manusia tak ada yang hidupnya sempurna, walaupun bermandikan uang dan emas sekalipun. Dan menyesal telah membuang waktu untuk iri yang tak ada gunanya.

Teruntuk kalian semua, bagun! Lakukan sesuatu yang membuat semua orang tahu bahwa kamu bahagia baik di realita maupun social media. They will jealous at you back!

3.09 am 

Down

I got rank +- 700 of 11.000+ students in my region (Central Java). And right now, im feelin the real insecurity of myself. With those shitty mark, i cant enter senior high school which i want. my older sister told me that she never got 100+ when she was in junior high school. the most worst rank that she got is just 100-ish, and the best is 10 of all student in my region. ikr, im not that smart tho. but can you feel me? huh?
Maybe this is just a 'little punishment' from God bc i easily get satisfied of all my result that i achieved.
Honestly im not working so hard on the test, now i know what happen if i do it again. InshaAllah, i wont doin it again cause the result will hurt my feelin and my mood tho.
no pain, no gain :> i must re-schedule my study time and others to be the more nice person. aamiiinnn

Its Holiday, not Holyshit

well, the good news is i got good rank, and it was 5. im so proud of myself, of course. i didn't expect that i'll got that rank. i just wish that i could be in top 10, not 5. but hey, i can do more! okay now, we're not talking about my rank, its my holiday...umm or more exactly is holyshit.

my parent very busy. idk, even though they have a worker for their bussiness. if you dont know, my mother have a store like a minimarket and my father have like a TV (or other electronic product, but mostly is TV) reparation. my parent is not the type of person who will leave their job alone. they must take a part of it. even tho they have a worker, they cant trust them 100%. so ya, you get my point or nah?

and then, when i ask them for holiday like in Jogja or anywhere, they REFUSE it. they said today is very busy blahblah or we find money for fullfil all your needs,etc. sad enough? im jealous of all my friends. they always having fun together while holiday. in bali, jogja, etc. me? i just do a movie marathon at home, and doing a boring thing. huhuhuhuhhuhuhuhu..... T_T